猫扑上的抽筋笑话 [ December 1st, 2008 ] Posted in » 笑话精品

 

1.有一天小明手上打着石膏,
老师问:你的手怎么了
小明说:断掉了
老师说:为什么?
小明说:因为我太懒了
老师说:太懒手会断?
小明说:我走在路上,鞋子跑进一颗石头,
可是我懒的用手弄,
就抱着电线杆抖着脚让石头掉出来,
路人看了以为我触电就用木棍打我的手
所以……………..
老师:…………

2.在大陆做生意的台商,
由于家眷都在台湾,
所以每个晚上都喜欢跑声色场所。
有一天他不幸被公共安全专家逮到,
台胞证被盖了个“淫虫”两个大字。
他很不高兴,
于是透过关系花了一些钱,
要把这着不雅的名词去除。
过了一星期,
朋友告诉他办好了。
他想,在大陆只要有钱哪有办不到的事?
他接到台胞证后兴冲冲打开一看,
里面赫然盖了个三个大字:
非淫虫。

后来他透过更有力的人士想要把这
非淫虫
三个字弄掉,
因为他觉得这三个字还是不雅,
所以这次交代一定要把这件事解决。
因为下个月他就要回台湾了….
朋友也跟他再三保证,
一定没问题,
只是礼数绝不可少。
又过了一星期,
朋友来找他,对他说:这次真的办好了!
他赶紧把台胞证接过来一看,
上面写着:
非洲淫火虫

3.甲乙丙三人一起出游,甲感冒了……
晚上,大家同睡一床,甲睡中间。
半夜…甲打了一个大喷涕,
乙丙整个脸上都是甲的结晶。
乙丙:下次要通知我们……
过了半个时辰,
甲:注意了…
乙丙闻言赶紧钻入棉被中,
并确定与外界没有连通…
结果,甲放了个屁。

Read More …

张家界,凤凰

20~26 Sep 游张家界,凤凰。

Day1:到达张家界

Day 2:宝峰湖,黄龙洞

Day 3:十里画廊,金鞭溪

武陵源门票站买票进山(两日有效),游十里画廊,水绕四门入金鞭溪,森林公园出。回武陵源的酒店

Day 4:袁家界,杨家界

武陵源门票站再次进山,天子山索道上山,酒店chick in,游袁家界,杨家界

Day 5:天子山,汽车到凤凰

Day 6:凤凰

Day 7:凤凰,火车回张家界,返程

September 27th, 2008 | Leave a Comment

万能的讲话报告

 

嘿,这位同学,您是领导吗?您要作报告吗?那请您使用“XXX”牌报告,该报告一招见效,万试万灵,实乃居家旅行、召开会议之必备良品,地球人用了都说好啊!您也试试?
XX们 and XX们:
今天我们在这里召开的XXX会议,我认为是十分必要的,这对于XXX工作的开展具有十分重要的指导意义。对于刚才某某同志,以及某某同志的讲话,我认为,讲得非常好,非常深刻。希望在座的同志,认真领会,深刻理解。回去后,要传达某某同志及某某同志的讲话精神,认真落实,真抓实干,推动XXX工作的顺利开展,努力开创XXX工作新局面。
对于XXX工作,我提几点补充意见:
一、对于XXX工作,我们要从思想上提高认识,充分领会XXX工作的重要性和必要性。目前,XXX工作已经开创了很好的局面,获得了很大的成绩,这是有目共睹的。但是,还是要从深度和广度上更加推进XXX工作。我看,最重要的一点是:提高认识!各级领导要充分领会XXX工作的重要性和必要性,各级组织要加强关于XXX工作的宣传力度,形成上下“齐抓共管”的局面,只有这样,XXX工作才能更上层楼。

Read More …

September 18th, 2008 | Leave a Comment

网络流行语

1.我以后生个儿子名字要叫“好帅”,那别人看到我就会说’好帅的爸爸“。
2.工作,退一步海阔天空,爱情,退一步人去楼空。
3.工作的最高境界就是看着别人上班,领着别人的工资。
4.钱不是问题,问题是没钱!
5.喝醉了我谁也不服,我就扶墙!
6.我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇,前途一片光明,但又找不到出路.
7.大师兄,你知道吗?二师兄的肉现在比师傅的都贵了
8.如果多吃鱼可以补脑让人变聪明的话,那么你至少得吃一对儿鲸鱼……
9.水至清则无鱼,人至贱则无敌。
10.青春就像卫生纸,看着挺多得,用着用着就不够了

Read More …

September 17th, 2008 | Leave a Comment

区分BB8310软解和硬解

有红色胶泥的是没拆过的。没有的一定是硬解。

September 10th, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Staff Responsibility for IT Support

 

IT is an asset and a resource that needs managing and looking after in just the same way as your building, your staff and your funding. It often makes most sense to give one person the main responsibility for ensuring that your computer systems work effectively, and to make them your IT manager or IT support worker.

Support falls into two broad areas. Users need support, in order to ensure that they are using IT effectively and to help them recover from the inevitable problems. The system itself needs support to cope with breakdowns and routine maintenance.

As a rule of thumb, you could expect to need one full-time IT support person for 50 staff members. If you have 10 staff, therefore, it would be reasonable to expect someone to allocate one day a week to this task.

The job description for an IT co-ordinator or IT support worker could include:

  • acting as systems manager for your network (if you have one)
  • providing IT support to computer users within the office (including inducting new staff)
  • initial troubleshooting of IT problems, and resolving them wherever possible
  • ensuring that data is routinely backed up
  • ensuring that all staff are able to organise their computer files in an effective way whether they are shared or for individual use
  • managing the distribution of documents in electronic format and of standard layouts and templates for documents
  • ensuring that software licences are adhered to
  • overseeing computer security and Antivirus precautions
  • acting as Data Protection Officer (although under the 1998 Act this is no longer exclusively an IT issue)
  • liaising with external support (the link person)
  • keeping a log of all IT problems with their resolution
  • keeping an inventory of all computer equipment, keeping maintenance records, and ensuring adequate maintenance provision
  • identifying bottlenecks and problems, making recommendations to solve them, keeping standard software and hardware recommendations under review, and providing input into future IT strategy.

External Support

Few organisations have the resources to cover all their IT support needs in-house. Some issues, like network troubleshooting, require a high level of specialist skill and are only required periodically; it isn’t cost effective to develop the necessary expertise in-house. You cannot, however, contract out everything. Some problems or routine operations are too simple, too frequent, or too urgent for that.
You need to find a balance, where in-house staff deal with basic day-to-day issues and call on external specialists for more complex problems.

In striking the balance, much will depend on the size of your agency and the complexity of its computer systems. Larger organisations are more likely to have enough work to justify employing a full- or part-time member of staff, but even these will contract out elements of their IT support.

Whatever your detailed decision, your in-house IT support worker must have adequate training to carry out their role and to enable them to communicate effectively with external services.

Staff Responsibility for IT Support: ICT Hub Knowledgebase

September 7th, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Internet use policy, sample internet policies, standard internet use policy, strict internet use policy

 

Internet Use Policy
Sample Internet Policies

The sample Internet Access Policies (IAP) listed below can get you started creating an acceptable Internet use policy for your organization.

Standard IAP

Strict IAP

Standard Internet Use/Access Policy

<<company>>
Computer Network and Internet Access Policy
Disclaimer
The Internet is a worldwide network of computers that contains millions of pages of information. Users are cautioned that many of these pages include offensive, sexually explicit, and inappropriate material. In general, it is difficult to avoid at least some contact with this material while using the lnternet. Even innocuous search requests may lead to sites with highly offensive content. Additionally, having an e-mail address on the lnternet may lead to receipt of unsolicited e-mail containing offensive content. Users accessing the lnternet do so at their own risk and the <<company>> is not responsible for material viewed or downloaded by users from the Internet. To minimize these risks, your use of the Internet at <<company>> is governed by the following policy:
Permitted Use of Internet and Company computer network
The computer network is the property of <<company>> ("Company") and is to be used for legitimate business purposes. Users are provided access to the computer network to assist them in the performance of their jobs. Additionally, certain employees ("Users") may also be provided with access to the Internet through the computer network. All Users have a responsibility to use Company’s computer resources and the Internet in a professional, lawful and ethical manner. Abuse of the computer network or the Internet, may result in disciplinary action, including possible termination, and civil and/or criminal liability.
Computer Network Use Limitations
PROHIBITED ACTIVITIES. Without prior written permission from Company, the Company’s computer network may not be used to disseminate, view or store commercial or personal advertisements, solicitations, promotions, destructive code (e.g., viruses, trojan horse programs, etc.) or any other unauthorized materials. Occasional limited appropriate personal use of the computer is permitted if such use does not a) interfere with the user’s or any other employee’s job performance; b) have an undue effect on the computer or company network’s performance; c) or violate any other policies, provisions, guidelines or standards of this agreement or any other of the Company. Further, at all times users are responsible for the professional, ethical and lawful use of the computer system. Personal use of the computer is a privilege that may be revoked at any time.
ILLEGAL COPYING. Users may not illegally copy material protected under copyright law or make that material available to others for copying. You are responsible for complying with copyright law and applicable licenses that may apply to software, files, graphics, documents, messages, and other material you wish to download or copy. You may not agree to a license or download any material for which a registration fee is charged without first obtaining the express written permission of the company.
COMMUNICATION OF TRADE SECRETS. Unless expressly authorized to do so, User is prohibited from sending, transmitting, or otherwise distributing proprietary information, data, trade secrets or other confidential information belonging to Company. Unauthorised dissemination of such material may result in severe disciplinary action as well as substantial civil and criminal penalties under state and federal Economic Espionage laws.
Duty not to Waste or Damage Computer Resources
ACCESSING THE INTERNET. To ensure security and avoid the spread of viruses, Users accessing the Internet through a computer attached to Company’s network must do so through an approved Internet firewall or other security device. Bypassing Company’s computer network security by accessing the Internet directly by modem or other means is strictly prohibited unless the computer you are using is not connected to the Company’s network.
FRIVOLOUS USE. Computer resources are not unlimited. Network bandwidth and storage capacity have finite limits, and all Users connected to the network have a responsibility to conserve these resources. As such, the User must not deliberately perform acts that waste computer resources or unfairly monopolize resources to the exclusion of others. These acts include, but are not limited to, sending mass mailings or chain letters, spending excessive amounts of time on the Internet, playing games, engaging in online chat groups, uploading or downloading large files, accessing streaming audio and/or video files, or otherwise creating unnecessary loads on network traffic associated with non-business-related uses of the Internet.
VIRUS DETECTION. Files obtained from sources outside the company, including disks brought from home, files downloaded from the Internet, newsgroups, bulletin boards, or other online services; files attached to e-mail, and files provided by customers or vendors, may contain dangerous computer viruses that may damage the company’s computer network. Users should never download files from the Internet, accept e-mail attachments from outsiders, or use disks from non-Company sources, without first scanning the material with Company-approved virus checking software. If you suspect that a virus has been introduced into the Company’s network, notify Company immediately.
No Expectation of Privacy
Employees are given computers and Internet access to assist them in the performance of their jobs. Employees should have no expectation of privacy in anything they create, store, send or receive using the company’s computer equipment. The computer network is the property of the Company and may be used only for Company purposes.
Waiver of privacy rights. User expressly waives any right of privacy in anything they create, store, send or receive using the company’s computer equipment or Internet access. User consents to allow company personnel access to and review of all materials created, stored, sent or received by User through any Company network or Internet connection.
Monitoring of computer and Internet usage. The Company has the right to monitor and log any and all aspects of its Computer system including, but not limited to, monitoring Internet sites visited by Users, monitoring chat and newsgroups, monitoring file downloads, and all communications sent and received by users.
Blocking Sites With Inappropriate Content
The Company has the right to utilize software that makes it possible to identify and block access to Internet sites containing sexually explicit or other material deemed inappropriate in the workplace.
Acknowledgement of Understanding
I have read and agree to comply with the terms of this policy governing the use of <<company>>’s computer network. I understand that violation of this policy may result in disciplinary action, including possible termination and civil and criminal penalties.
————————     ——————–
Signature                    Date
————————————————-
Printed name

Strict Internet Use/Access Policy

<<company>>
Computer Network and Internet Access Policy
Disclaimer
The Internet is a worldwide network of computers that contains millions of pages of information. Users are cautioned that many of these pages include offensive, sexually explicit, and inappropriate material. In general, it is difficult to avoid at least some contact with this material while using the lnternet. Even innocuous search requests may lead to sites with highly offensive content. Additionally, having an e-mail address on the lnternet may lead to receipt of unsolicited e-mail containing offensive content. Users accessing the lnternet do so at their own risk and the <<company>> is not responsible for material viewed or downloaded by users from the Internet. To minimize these risks, your use of the Internet at <<company>> is governed by the following policy:
Permitted Use of Internet and Company Computer Network
The computer network is the property of <<company>> ("Company") and may only be used for legitimate business purposes. Users are provided access to the computer network to assist them in the performance of their jobs. Additionally, certain employees ("Users") may also be provided with access to the Internet through the computer network. All Users have a responsibility to use Company’s computer resources and the Internet in a professional, lawful and ethical manner. Abuse of the computer network or the Internet, may result in disciplinary action, including possible termination, and civil and/or criminal liability.
Computer Network Use Limitations
PROHIBITED USES. Without prior written permission from Company, the Company’s computer network may not be used to disseminate, view or store commercial or personal advertisements, solicitations, promotions, destructive code (e.g., viruses, self-replicating programs, etc.), political material, pornographic text or images, or any other unauthorised materials. Employees may not use the Company’s Internet connection to download games or other entertainment software (including screen savers), or to play games over the Internet. Additionally, you may not use the computer network to display, store or send (by e-mail or any other any other form of electronic communication such as bulletin boards, chatrooms, Usenet groups, etc.) material that is fraudulent, harassing, embarrassing, sexually explicit, profane, obscene, intimidating, defamatory or otherwise inappropriate or unlawful. Furthermore, anyone receiving such materials should notify their supervisor immediately.
ILLEGAL COPYING. Users may not illegally copy material protected under copyright law or make that material available to others for copying. You are responsible for complying with copyright law and applicable licenses that may apply to software, files, graphics, documents, messages, and other material you wish to download or copy. You may not agree to a license or download any material for which a registration fee is charged without first obtaining the express written permission of the company.
COMMUNICATION OF TRADE SECRETS. Unless expressly authorized to do so, User is prohibited from sending, transmitting, or otherwise distributing proprietary information, data, trade secrets or other confidential information belonging to Company. Unauthorized dissemination of such material may result in severe disciplinary action as well as substantial civil and criminal penalties under state and federal Economic Espionage laws.
Duty Not to Waste Computer Resources
ACCESSING THE INTERNET. To ensure security and avoid the spread of viruses, Users accessing the Internet through a computer attached to Company’s network must do so through an approved Internet firewall or other security device. Bypassing Company’s computer network security by accessing the Internet directly by modem or other means is strictly prohibited unless the computer you are using is not connected to the Company’s network.
FRIVOLOUS USE. Computer resources are not unlimited. Network bandwidth and storage capacity have finite limits, and all Users connected to the network have a responsibility to conserve these resources. As such, the User must not deliberately perform acts that waste computer resources or unfairly monopolize resources to the exclusion of others. These acts include, but are not limited to, sending mass mailings or chain letters, spending excessive amounts of time on the Internet, playing games, engaging in online chat groups, uploading or downloading large files, accessing streaming audio and/or video files, or otherwise creating unnecessary loads on network traffic associated with non-business-related uses of the Internet.
VIRUS DETECTION. Files obtained from sources outside the company, including disks brought from home, files downloaded from the Internet, newsgroups, bulletin boards, or other online services; files attached to e-mail, and files provided by customers or vendors, may contain dangerous computer viruses that may damage the company’s computer network. Users should never download files from the Internet, accept e-mail attachments from outsiders, or use disks from non-Company sources, without first scanning the material with Company-approved virus checking software. If you suspect that a virus has been introduced into the Company’s network, notify Company immediately.
No Expectation of Privacy
Employees are given computers and Internet access to assist them in the performance of their jobs. Employees should have no expectation of privacy in anything they create, store, send or receive using the company’s computer equipment. The computer network is the property of the Company and may be used only for Company purposes.
WAIVER OF PRIVACY RIGHTS. User expressly waives any right of privacy in anything they create, store, send or receive using the company’s computer equipment or Internet access. User consents to allow company personnel access to and review of all materials created, stored, sent or received by User through any Company network or Internet connection.
MONITORING OF COMPUTER AND INTERNET USAGE. The Company has the right to monitor and log any and all aspects of its Computer system including, but not limited to, monitoring Internet sites visited by Users, monitoring chat and newsgroups, monitoring file downloads, and all communications sent and received by users.
BLOCKING SITES WITH INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT. The Company has the right to utilize software that makes it possible to identify and block access to Internet sites containing sexually explicit or other material deemed inappropriate in the workplace.
Acknowledgement of Understanding
I have read and agree to comply with the terms of this policy governing the use of <<company>>’s computer network. I understand that violation of this policy may result in disciplinary action, including possible termination and civil and criminal penalties.
————————     ——————–
Signature                    Date
————————————————-
Printed name

Internet use policy, sample internet policies, standard internet use policy, strict internet use policy

September 7th, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Powered by WordPress | Blue Weed by Blog Oh! Blog | Entries (RSS) and Comments (RSS).